“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-–not by works, so that no one can boast.” –Ephesians 2:8-9 NIV
I wish I had the confidence in my abilities in school like I do now.
It’s so crazy how much I didn’t believe in myself, never believing I was good enough or just simply “enough”. Clearly a theme I had throughout my entire life, even now somewhat. The difference now, however, is that I’m slowly allowing myself the time to be who I need to be.
I always just wanted to be the finished product of myself,
instead of realizing that in growth, there’s room for appreciation of self, no matter what stage “self” was in. I never appreciated who I was. I always felt like I should be better than what/who I was. I like to see it as an Instant gratification mentality. Never actually seeing the progress I was making, just knowing I wasn’t “there” yet.
I was looking for love in everyone but myself.
I had this toxic relationship with myself, yet at the same time wondering why none of my “romantic relationships” went anywhere but south.Dare I say it, but I might have even hated myself. Well, hate is a strong word, so I strongly disliked the person I saw. It wasn’t because I thought I was a bad person per say, but because I didn’t think I was a good enough person. I constantly made mistakes and gave of myself not really believing I deserved much in return. So I never expected much.
I didn’t know my worth.
I looked for wholeness in forms that could not give it to me. I fell quite hard from grace, ran away from God and gave up on myself.
Now, at the lovely age of 27, I am finally getting to know Alisha, the Alisha God needs me to be. Though I’m still quite far from where he needs me to be,
I’m a lot closer than I was and that’s a good start.
I’m still breathing, I’m alive,